Looking back....

So all day I've been trying to figure out why this year felt like the worst.year.ever.

And frankly, I've been through some pretty rough patches in life, so I'm sitting here trying to understand what was different this year.

And I think I've got it narrowed down to 2 things.

Problem One- one of my coping mechanisms has been having my husband around- to talk, vent, have adult conversation. Even when he'd go away for a month for Navy-something-or-other we'd talk on the phone and it was for a month. And frankly, it's better than the other used coping mechanism of chocolate and ice cream.

So.. take him away mentally for an entire year and I didn't have my fall-back person around. Sure, he was there sometimes physically- generally asleep- "don't wake me til tomorrow morning" or if awake, zoned out in front of the TV or computer and not looking for small talk. Or to have the kids around (that issue to follow below)

I also had zero help from him. We were here 1 day when his orientation started and I was left trying to clean up the smelly house and the major disaster the movers left us. And his first month was TAD, meaning "temporary away duty" and ICU which meant he worked a zillion hours a week, was supposed to stay at the hospital, never slept and lost sleep being chewed out for not knowing what he needed to know.

And because I didn't know my limits, I got a job, a nanny who didn't speak english and still tried to manage the home business- however poorly that was going. Then some wildfires, homeschooling and still running the business from a very chaotic organization system.

Problem 2- The kids. Yes. I know I wanted them. I wanted them a long time before we had them. I just wish they.. uh.. we were part of one of those sects that value silence.

I'm not a noise person. I like stillness. I do not get stillness unless it's midnight and Sonia has FINALLY fallen asleep around 11:30 (that would be PM)

My kids are noise personified. And it has gotten so.much.worse the older they get. Crying used to be one thing- even crying because the other kid(s) had the toy they wanted.
I used to that that was bad.

The screaming fighting fits make me want to sick toothpicks through my ear drums.

It's the chasing each other through the house or screaming in the car or in public "THAT's MINE! I WAS USING THAT! GIVE THAT BACK!! (fake crying ensures here at the absolute loudest they can conjure up) Add a few "BUT I DON'T WANT TO (fill in the blank- get dressed, go potty, buckle in, sit next to someone, etc..... )" and a few thousand "OWWWWW!!!" when someone touches someone else, sits too close, etc.... to be followed by the "MOMMM!!! [someone] hit/touched/pinched/spit at, etc... ME!!!" and the general barrage of tattling every 2.6 seconds.

It's the non-stop refereeing and chaotic noise that makes my soul want to run as far from my body as it can.

So...

Since I haven't found a way to teleport my soul while leaving my physical body here to deal with the environment around it, I think I'll research that sect- the one that doesn't speak except when it's important. I'm thinking it's an Amish sect..
And hey, if I'm wearing one of those dresses I don't have to worry too much about loosing this extra 25 (ok. 30, but who's counting?) lbs I've managed to keep on my body.. from my fall-back coping mechanism